Feb 4, 2010

The things DM's don't say.

Alternately titled:  Growing a beard and becoming an unemployed shut-in who laughs too much :)

Want to plan ahead, want to keep a ready reserve of different deat-adventures and encounters ready for a moment's notice.  Perfect, spent 3 hours putting this chain together...of course they just portal travelled to another continent...it's not like they knew about the awesome treasure you put in there...great, okay, use same encounters - make them all asian, that's exotic, right?  Need more soda, I wonder why if this stuff has caffeine, I'm still yawning...Roll, roll, pontificate, NATURAL 20!!, SUCK IT BITCHES!!  Why do I keep thinking that?  F*cking internet.  Dammit, wife annoyed.  Kids screaming, gamer's yakking, why do I bother?  JOY!  Drowned fighter in pit of sewage!  That's why I do this :)  What time is it?  Where's the pizza?  Wife would look hot as an elf...How many goblins did I have in this fight?  Dammit, wasn't enough.  Why are these tools ending the encounter with all of their encounter powers?  Why won't this stupid breath weapon recharge?  How many natural 1's can one dice monkey roll in a day!? (edit: 19, go f*cking figure).

BREAK!  DINNER!  Who cleans up after these people when I'm not here?  Geez, I'm glad you like the pizza, got that 10 bucks you owe for the last 3?  Of course it's no problem, you swine.  If I think that the girls in avatar were hot, am I a furry?    God I hope not, my ass is too big for cosplay.  My god the SCA attracts OCD types.  I wanna play D&D with porn stars too...Or do I?  Save that one for later.  Why does the battlemat look nothing like my cheat sheet?  Who drew this F*cking thing?  I want to kill another PC...it's not like they wont raise him :)

Yeah right you rolled a 15, thet odds of three of those in a row are off the charts, roll on the table plz.  Wife would look good dressed as a witch...ooooh....INITIATIVE!  confusion, all speaking at once...numbers...first.  Ouch, these guys are good.  Treasure!  Sorry, it's what I randomly rolled up, and I realize it is completely useless to every member of the party - it's either random or not.  How much would 40,000 gold coins actually weigh?  Imagine chump PC's lugging around 11 200lb gunny sacks full of clanging gold coins :)  Dammit, didn't think of that, please don't notic-dammit.  Fine, cakewalk - SECOND WAVE (weakness fixed, hehehe) Yes, it IS a motherf*cking dragon in this motherf*cking dungeon.  God, will I ever get a chance to say that out loud?

Tired, this must be what being an actor is like.  More pizza.  Will these nat 1's ever end? (edit - no)  Sorry, thats what you get for wandering off alone :)  yes, it's broken.  Maybe, no I don't know what residuum smells like?  No you can't eat any.  Gonna be edgy and have a non-dwarf blacksmith.  Does an 18 CHA make you hot even covered with drying shit and blood?  What about the three-weeks-on-the-road cornchip smell?  ewwww.  I hate cornchips.  Wife mad again.  Kids crying again.  Wife would look good smeared with battle deitrus...

Too many dice.  Not enough pencils.  Need more minis.  Need job.  REBOOT!  Where was I...Orcs.  Yes, it's a surprise round.  No, you are surprised.  Why were you suddenly paying such close attention?  He doesn't know that I am willing the orcs to be in desperate need of a halfling sodomy doll.  God that's evil.  I don't want to be a halfling.  Or a sodomy doll.  MOVING ON.  Damn wizards.  Try some elites!  Damned paladin.  Try a solo!  Damned warlord.

That's it folks.  Good night, great game.  got to calc XP and treasure.  need to plan for next weekend.  Got to write review for Jonathon.  Need to write blog post.  Need to clean mess.  Need to buy tinkerbell costume for wife.  Need to find job.  want new books.  Glad I prepaid DDI.  OUCH!  Stupid mini on the floor.  Do I get xp for killing lizard men?  Why do I do this again?  Why does everyone have a health and mana bar above their heads?  I think if dragons really existed they would be as much fun as a musty bag of dicks.  At least they would be if I was their DM.




My own personal thoughts as they happened, more or less.  Feel free to add a stanza to the things DM's don't say, otherwise stay nerdy :)

6 comments:

Jonathan said...

LMAO... sounds like game night at my house. (kids screaming part)...

anarkeith said...

ROFL!

See the hook? Hello? Jeez. OK, I'll stick it in your head (roll d20: 3) Uh, the creature gets bored by your babbling and swings. It misses. Hey, where are you guys going? There's a really cool treasure in here! Solve my puzzle!

No, Arthur said, "what are you going to do, bleed on me?" I have the book. You fall in the pit and take 12 pts of damage. OK, are you sure you want to light that here?

Cyric said...

Man, you scared me. ;) Great reading, had a good love!

greetz
cystrag

spielmeister said...

Nice post. Being a game master myself, I can relate. Totally. :)

spielmeister said...

Nice post Donny, reading this made my day! :) I can really, totally relate. Answers the question 'Why do we do this at all?'

Chris said...

I don't want to be a halfling. Or a sodomy doll.

Hmmmm. Ok, so maybe liveblogging a session isn't quite the optimal way to enhance mutual understanding of actual, in-play refereeing styles. ;)