Aug 12, 2008

A depraved story: Funniest gaming moment...

...There was an adventuring group. Led by a brave Warmage named Laddy. This group, containing a dwarven warrior, A gnomish warrior, a scruffy human druid, a psychotic barbarian exiled from his own depraved tribe, and a priest of Ra, the sun god.

Together, this motley crew of adventurers defied death time and time again. Battling through the forests Caledonia, and their resident hordes of dark elves. Triumphing over the beserkers laying siege to Novgorod. Freeing Baghdad from the clutches of an evil sorceror and his Efreet minion. Always forward they went, battling evil in it's many forms...until they tried out Greek mythology.

A little background: Those Greeks were some twisted folks. You see, Long ago, on a small island called Crete, there reigned a king - Minos. He was a decent sort of fella. He had a small, but powerful kingdom, a beautiful wife, and the largest and most prized white bull in all the Aegean sea. Life was good. Then Fate came a knocking.

You see, Poseidon - lord of the seas, had grown weary of never getting his due for "protecting" the small island. When he saw that his likeness had been replaced as an idol of worship BY A BULL! He was understandably miffed. He appeared to Minos as a colossal column of water - shaped as a man. He demanded sacrifice. King Minos agreed to give him whatever he wanted. It was then agreed that the white bull in the king's lands would be offered as sacrifice. Now Minos was a shrewd guy, and really wanted to keep his bull, so he decided to trick Poseidon.

As such, when Poseidon returned, he snatched up his neatly slaughtered and packaged beef snack, and departed...happy. Little did he know that Minos had simply bleached the hides of three normal bulls, and stuffed them with nothing but Bones and fat besides!

His comeuppance came later, when he threw a grand feast. The huge white bull was a fixture within the throne room. Imagine the scene when Poseidon comes by to present a gift to the king - and discovers he's been had!

One thing the Greek gods did well was lay down inventive curses. Poseidon offered a choice, give me either your wife or the bull. Minos was torn (WTF!?) eventually deciding to give the angry god his wife. Poseidon laughed. He didn't need a mortal woman, it was simply a way of finding out what he truly cared about. The curse was then bestowed, and the god left.

Minos was beside himself. He had angered his god AND his wife. Curse? What curse? it was probably a trick anyway. As time went by, he was delighted to find that his wife was taking an interest in his prized bull. She would visit it, and talk to it, an even groom it for him. When the first minotaur was born, methinks he was a bit upset.

Unable to give up the bull or wife, he summoned the great thinker and inventor Daedalus. Once he arrived, Daedalus and his son Icarus were ordered imprisoned in his highest tower until they could solve his problem. The result:
  • A masterful labyrinth, to keep the ravenous minotaurs contained.

  • A mechanical cow that her highness could use to more safely conduct her trysts with said bull.

  • Later, a set of wings made of feathers and wax (we all know THAT one too)
I told you the Greeks were an odd bunch! So The wife is getting busy with a white bull the size of a buick, his patron deity is laughing at him, and his new labyrinth is filling up with baby bull-people at an alarming rate...what does a king in this position do? He kills himself.

History is unclear as to what happened then...That required a DM with a BA in Sadistic Dickery. The queen died of old age or something - not important. The bull however, was a gods-touched creature. Being intended for a nefarious purpose, it became 1/2 fiendish, and has lived on the island for generations when our heroes have the rotten luck to have their boat torched near the straights of Gibraltar.

Long story short - They figure out what's going on. This is where the metagaming bit them in the ass. You see, very few people have actually read the whole story. They really have no idea how depraved the whole situation was. Using this as a sharp instrument, I went to work.

Discovering they were on a deserted island covered with ruins and carnivorous minotaurs, the party soon figures out that they cannot leave until the bull has been slain, and the curse lifted. The bull however, is slumbering, and they cannot find it. Further exploration of the castle throne room leads to the discovery or an Apparatus of Kwalish shaped like a...cow. Climbing inside, the druid and barbarian discover it is full of levers, including several that cause the beast to read and attack! The odd "rear porthole" raises no immediate concerns...They want off the island!

Ponderously making their way outside, they use another lever to cause the "cow" to begin bellowing. Now, the bull hasn't heard his love call for him in decades. He immediately rises, and comes to investigate. The party, lying in ambush, watches as the great beast (Now Red, scaled, and leaving burning hoof prints) circle the construct, lowing gently.

The "tankers" are waiting for one more pass by before springing their trap and attacking the bull with their ride. Imagine the scene when a long, foul looking, and fanged "snakelike" creature enters through the "rear porthole" and begins snapping at their faces! Meanwhile the rest of the party fail their mental scarring saves and are confused for one round : )

The barbarian, never one to back down from a fight, whips out his trust dagger, and begins stabbing the foul beast. Unable to penetrate the creatures damage reduction, all he succeeds in doing, is making it grow larger, and attack faster! Finally, unable to withstand the "assault" any longer, the beast releases a "breath weapon" of acid into the cramped confines of the construct.

The rest of the party assaulted and slew the bull shortly afterwards. Upon opening the hatch to the construct, all that remained of their friends was a couple of skeletons - bubbling away in the acidic goo that coated every inch of the "tanks" insides.

That finished...I could finally laugh. I mean fall out of my chair and rolling on the floor laugh! They were so shell shocked! LOL! Makes me giggle an evil little giggle thinking about it 7 years later. THESE moments make DMing a way of life!

Best part? Now that you've read this actually true gaming story, you will be cursed to forever share it with anyone who thinks they have a funny gaming story. As such, Poseidon's curse still lives today!

Wanna share your funniest moment? Would love to hear them!


CJ said...

Donny, you are one twisted soul. This is a beautiful story and I love it. I think that perhaps I am scared for life now that it is burned into my brain...but it is still a beautiful story of unrequited bovine love.


Donny_the_Dm said...

Why thank you sir!

I chose it above the gay roman vampire brothel because that one really sucked...

I go for humor as often as possible, which isn't hard, since my players inadvertently stumble into scenes like this on a fairly regular basis.

Thanks for coming!